Stop Asking Why
by talking-eye
Summary: My alternative version of 3.06. Cristina was helping Burke but it didn't seem to be enough. Other characters involved: the Chief, Bailey, & Meredith.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Originally posted on More Than Coffee. One-shot. Set around and after 3.05.

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of the characters, but I own the dialogue, the thoughts, and the metaphors.

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Those hands were steady. _They better do,_ thought Cristina. She could nearly feel the sweat on the forehead and she wished someone could wipe it off. _Were the scrub nurses blind? Why didn't they do something?_

She had always been confident—in herself, in what she did, and in the man beside her. Lately, she wasn't that sure anymore. When the other interns tried to sooth Bailey after the M & M, she stood there without saying a word. At the lunch table, she was nearly mute. The only time when she said what a surgeon was supposed to do was to operate, she immediately apologized.

Every move she took seemed to be wrong. It didn't help at all when Burke repeatedly expressed his self-doubt. When one person was in doubt, the other could sooth him. When both of them were in doubt, who could come to their rescue?

What if those hands slip? That could cost 3 lives—the patient's life, Burke's life as a surgeon, and her life as a surgeon-to-be. Why didn't she support Burke's decision to come clean? Why did she push him so hard? It wasn't guilt she was feeling, but there was a lump in her throat, a sense of helplessness.

With the needle and thread in her hands, she prayed that she would not screw up. She was the brightest in her class, the best intern. Why was she overwhelmed by anxiety instead of a surge of excitement for performing something so advanced?

_Why?_

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Those hands were doing a wonderful job, moving swiftly up and down the heart. Nonetheless, Burke was holding his breath. He was nervous not because he thought those hands would fail him—had it been O'Malley, Grey, or Stevens, he would have every reason to be worried. But it was Cristina.

_"I'm your intern."_

His best intern. No question about that. But that wasn't the reason why he fell for her. He thought he saw a lot more in the woman than that. He thought they were heading somewhere. He thought he was Preston Burke to her, not just Dr. Burke.

Since when have they been back to the attending surgeon-intern relationship? It would have been ridiculous to expect her to say she'll be by his side because she's his girlfriend, but why did she have to reiterate that she's his intern? She told him he meant more than a surgeon to her, she told him she wanted to be supportive, but that didn't make him feel better.

Cristina did not discourage him from telling the Chief, but neither did she encourage it. Preston Burke was an honest man but it wasn't an easy task. Sometimes, he wished he were an intern again. He'd rather be following instructions than giving them. If Cristina was so good at pushing his rehabilitation, giving him directions and buying him chickens, why couldn't she just tell him what was the right thing to do?

_Why?_  
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"So, you asked Burke to let you perform the running whip stitch," Meredith asked casually as they sat side by side in the basement.

"Yes, is there a problem?"

"You know, the two of you—"

"Bailey's going to send you to the pit for sleeping with your boss and getting special favor," Alex smirked.

"I don't think Dr. Burke was favoring Cristina. If we asked him, he would probably say yes."

"What's the big deal even if he's favoring me? Evil Spawn, if McSteamy likes men, I'm sure you'll let him get into your pants as well."

"You're sick, Cristina."

"You're jealous."

"If you keep on acting this way, you could get Burke into trouble," Meredith said.

"I—" Immediately, Cristina changed her tone. "I gotta go. Bye."

Alex and Meredith were taken aback. Looking at each other in silence, they were sure what they saw on Cristina's face wasn't coldness or contempt. It was fear.  
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"Burke."

Cristina was disappointed that he was asleep. Never had she been so compelled to talk. She wanted to talk to him about things. It was a long day for both of them. As she looked at his steady breathing, she decided not to wake him up. Those long eye lashes, those remarkable features on his face. Cristina could not take her eyes off him.

This was the man who made her feel safe. This was her rock—when his eyes were closed. When they're open, they were clouded with sorrow, uncertainties, and fury. She wanted to help. She tried everything to help. It only seemed to have made matters worse. Gone was the confident surgeon who was at ease with himself. Gone was the glamour in his eyes. She thought it would make him feel better if he could operate again, but even when the patient's daughter threw herself over him to show her gratitude, Burke did not seem to be too sure of himself.

Meredith was right. If she did not assist him, he might kill a patient. If she kept on assisting him, he might lose the respect from his colleagues. Either way Cristina was stuck. Besides, how much longer could they conceal it from everyone else?

Preston Burke was the rock that she could hold on to from falling off the cliff, but now it's also become the rock that might sink her deep into the sea—unless she could keep it from rolling off the shore. 

Seeing him stir in his sleep and his face twitch, Cristina knew he must be having a bad dream. In fact, both of them had been in the bad dream for too long.

Burke thought he was falling into a bottomless pit, he felt that someone gripped his hand. Strangely, he wanted to let go of it. It was bad enough to have one person fall, he didn't want to drag anyone down with him. But the harder he tried to shake it off, the firmer the grip became.

_Why don't you just give up? _

His reaction startled Cristina. He didn't realize he actually spitted out those words in his dream. When he opened his eyes, he saw Cristina starring right into his heart like a spear.

"I can't."  
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"I can't imagine giving up," Cristina whispered.

Burke tried to piece everything together as he cleared his head from his dream. "I can't imagine moving on. I don't want to put your career into jeopardy."

"It's not about me, Burke."

"What?"

"It's about us. We need to tell the Chief."

Finally she said it. Burke was relieved that Cristina actually said it. That was the affirmation he wanted. It wasn't that he did not appreciate her help in the surgery. He knew she was making an effort, but among everything she did, this was the one he really needed. To him, it meant it was ok to her even if he was not fine.

"You think so?"

"We have to tell him that I'm ready to assist in all your surgeries—"

"Cristina," Burke was grinding his teeth and clutching his fists. He thought she understood, but what she just said only made him more frustrated. "Don't you understand that I am NOT fit for surgeries? If you said it's not about you, then why are you asking to be in all of my surgeries? Why did you tell me you value me not only as a surgeon but insist on pushing me back to that role when I'm not ready?"

"This isn't what I mean."

"I don't care about what you mean. My mother is right. You're selfish."

"Burke," Cristina inhaled enough oxygen into her lungs before she could speak again. "Selfish? Is that all you think about me? You said you wanted me to talk, you wanted me to open up, you wanted us to communicate, but you aren't even listening."

"You understand how hard it is for me to think about my hand each day? I can't operate anymore without killing somebody. My career is over."

"It's not true."

"It's not the truth you want to hear."

"You saved a life today."

"I almost killed him."

"You didn't. I was there. We worked as a team. That's what you should tell the Chief. Tell him you're not ready, tell him you want to hold off surgery but IF you must operate, you'll take me because I know when you need me."

"I thought you wanted me to hide my tremors."

"Not to the Chief. Whether he would tell the rest of the staff is none of our business. You know Sheppard cleared you and they all saw you perform a successful surgery today. From the hospital's standpoint, they might want their trophy surgeon to stay in that position."

Burke never thought about the Chief's reaction. Cristina's speculation had a grain of truth in it. Even if he let out the truth, Richard might not do anything about it—unless he wanted to fire him.

"Ok," Though not completely convinced, Burke nodded like a child who's obeying his mother's command.

"I'll go with you."

"What for?"

"I'll tell the Chief that I am REALLY into CT and request that I be put onto every dumb case in your department."

"You don't have to do that. It'll limit what you learn as an intern."

"Apparently Alex was in the vagina squad for months and he's learned a lot. Besides, people won't think that you're favoring me if I am assigned by the Chief to CT," Cristina had a small smile on her face. "They can always blame the Chief."  
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"What if he decided that I should never operate again?"

The sadness in his eyes pained her. How she wished she had the talent in soothing him simply by her words.

"How about we go and talk to him first? One step at a time."

Burke was shocked. Not only was she supporting his decision to speak the truth, but she also thought of ways to maintain his reputation. What struck him the most was that she wasn't pushing him anymore, nor did she seem to want to leave.

"I'm sorry, Cristina."

"Why?"

"You shouldn't be going through all these."

"Why not? Because I am cold and selfish?"

"Don't say that. You're not selfish. I was being mean to you." 

Cristina crept into the spot beside Burke like a gymnast. She missed his warmth and the way he snuggled her. This was the best part of the day, every day in her life. How could she give it up?

"Maybe I am selfish. If it's somebody else, I would have fled."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

_It meant he's part of her and she had every reason to be selfish in tending to his needs._

Cristina smiled at the thought as she closed her eyes and let her lips fall on his.

_Burke didn't need to know. Now if only the kiss could last forever…_


	2. Chapter 2

**Ch. 2**

"Why did you have to tell me this?" Richard grimaced, "You did a marvelous job yesterday and nobody would have noticed."

"Chief—"

"But since you've now told me, I can't sit here and do nothing," Richard clasped his hands together with a troubled expression on his face.

"What're you going to do, Dr. Webber?" Cristina appeared to be more anxious than her boyfriend did.

Immediately, Cristina felt that a hand rested firmly on top of hers. She was unsure if it was Burke's attempt to stop her from talking. The last thing she wanted was to annoy her emotionally-vulnerable boyfriend.

"Dr. Yang. Seattle Grace has one of the best Department of Cardiothoracic Surgery across the country. I revealed your records and believe it's a legitimate move to assign you to the department until further notice."

"Thank you, Chief," Cristina and Burke responded in unison.

"Preston, I want to make it clear that this is not a personal favor. I am considering the benefit for the entire hospital." Richard spoke sternly.

"Can I be taken off all surgical cases then?" Burke demanded.

"People in this hospital can't live without gossiping. We'll just keep everything the way it is. I'll assign you with more paperwork so that you won't need to see the inside of the OR for small things. But if we need you for big cases, we will."

Richard Webber's response intimated and infuriated Burke. Cristina could sense that too. She remembered how he stepped up to defend Meredith by giving his little story about the towel incident, and how he valued his moral integrity, but she understood where the Chief was coming from. She wanted to support her man by asking the Chief to give him more time, but she knew Burke was not going to like it.

"What if others find out?" Cristina briefly glanced at the two authority figures in the room. Suddenly, she was feeling very small. "Maybe we should let them know now than later?"

"Dr. Yang. Wasn't you the one who came up with this scheme of hiding?" The Chief shot her an icy stare. "As long as none of you kill a patient, I will cover this up until Dr. Burke is fit to operate on his own again."

"Chief—"

"Preston, you're a leader, so act like one. Besides, the tremor only happens once in a while and it certainly will go away. Dr. Yang, can you promise to make sure nothing goes wrong?"

"Richard, Cristina is only an intern. Why are you asking her to—"

"I have my trust on you both. Now go back to work and prove me right." Richard dismissed any further discussion.

Cristina nudged Burke's elbow gently and pulled him out of the room. The two of them tried to search for an answer in each other's eyes but neither of them could see beyond the cloud of darkness. Finally, Burke spoke up.

"We'll be fine, right?"

Cristina squeezed his hand and looked squarely at him, unable to get herself to nod. "Page me if you need me, babe. We'll talk when we're home."

As Cristina's figure moved out of his visual field, it became clear to Burke that he had become very dependent on her.

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Cristina didn't mean to give him an empty promise, but there was so much work that by the time she was home, Burke was, as usual, already asleep. Relieved that they did not have to talk about their meeting with the Chief, she carefully took the book in his hand and placed it on the nightstand.

Rinsing her travel mug in the open kitchen, Cristina found a note at the counter: "I bought you strawberries."

Their dimly-lit apartment was quickly brightened up by the radiance on her face. Even at the height of this mess, Burke had not lost his ability to surprise her. Well, of course he was being really demanding for a while after his injury, but once he was regaining some control over his life, things seemed to be more manageable—or were they?

The sweetness of the strawberries did not wipe out the bitter reality facing her.

Cristina was a fighter, the one with the best game plan since high school. She would not allow anything to slip, ever. But the game was becoming harder to play each day. She wanted her man to be happy, but by volunteering to help, she only seemed to have gotten them into more trouble.

Of course she would be glad to assist him and do everything she could, but the fact that the Chief actually coerced them into hiding the tremor did not make her comfortable. She asked to be Burke's assistant, but she did not deliberately ask the Chief to hide the truth from others. Why did he have to put the blame on her in the end?

"Cristina?"

Burke heard the running water in the kitchen and called out faintly her name from their bed.

Not knowing if he was awake or talking in his dream, Cristina did not respond. Slowly, she walked back to their room and knelt down by his bedside and stroked his face. He didn't stir at all and remained completely still. Obviously, he was only pretending to be asleep.

After brushing her teeth, Cristina slid into her pre-assigned spot and moved his arm, so that it would rest firmly around her waist. Why did they have to go through all these? Why couldn't they press the erase button and start over?

_Perhaps they didn't need that._ They were two smart and strong individuals. This was not going to break him, her, or them.

They had already done their part by telling the Chief. A promise had been made; a secret to be kept. She swore she would do everything to protect him, even if this very thought sounded unassumingly dangerous to her.

"We'll be fine."

Cristina looked at him again before closing her eyes. It was going to be another long quiet night.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Reviews are welcome. **

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"Self-care is very important to a woman, Cristina," Izzie said as she combed her hair in the locker room. "Want me to introduce you to some cool eye-gel?"

"When you're too busy running the show, playing the super Cardio intern role, looks don't matter anymore," Alex laughed.

"Back off, Evil Spawn. I'm tired, but I'm still a very hot person," Cristina threw her comb at the other intern.

"Why didn't I get to be assigned to cardio surgery by the Chief?" George whined. "Cristina has been on at least 10 different cases last week."

"That's because you didn't sleep with the right person."

"C'mon guys. None of the surgeries Cristina scrubbed in last week was Dr. Burke's," Meredith knew she was not in the best position to defend her friend, but at least she would try.

"That's true, Meredith. We almost forgot that you've been scrubbing in on every case Sheppard was in charge," Izzie hissed. She was glad to be back to the hospital, but it didn't thrill her too much to be shadowing her friend.

"Listen. This has nothing to do with my personal life. We're nearly done with our first year. It's time to think about what you want to specialize in. I just happen to be smarter and can start sooner," Cristina fought back. She was ready for anything they said about her, as long as it didn't involve Burke.

"Yes, that's why I am assisting in all the neurosurgeries," Meredith agreed.

Everyone else sneered at the two of female interns and walked away.

"I can't believe we're in the same year as those people."

"Cristina, they're family. It's just that, well, I think sometimes brothers and sisters get jealous of one another."

"You can have as many McDreamy surgical hours as you like. I'll never get jealous," Cristina responded in a teasing tone. "In fact, I'll be happy for you."

Meredith was not sure if it was pure sarcasm or not, but she simply blinked.

"How's Burke? I don't see you two together in the hospital anymore," Meredith tied her hair into a ponytail. "Isn't it funny that you're not assisting him in surgeries when you're officially assigned to his department?"

"He's been busy with paperwork." Cristina answered matter-of-factly, trying to avoid the conversation as much as possible.

"Meredith, hurry up!"

"I'm coming, Izzie," Meredith shook her head subtly before whispering to Cristina, "Sometimes I really want to be free of this walking 9 million dollar check."

Cristina gave her friend a push on the back and allowed some sympathy to permeate her smile.

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"Chief, I'm not going to do this. I told you I'm not ready," Burke strode through the door in rage.

"Preston, have a seat."

The exquisite calmness displayed by the Chief came off as an aloofness that Burke was ready to break. He was expecting this to come since their meeting a while back, but he couldn't come to terms with the fact that it's that soon.

"Preston, this man is going to die if we don't operate on him today. You're the only one who has performed this procedure at Seattle Grace."

"I could supervise another surgeon. Dr. Huron could operate," Burke was not backing off at all.

Covering his mouth with his hand for a brief second, Richard continued, "Dr. Burke, we are short of cardio surgeons today. People will start talking about it if I assign two surgeons in one OR."

"People will talk even more if I kill the patient."

"Dr. Yang could scrub in," Richard brushed off Burke's concern with an off-hand comment. "Assuming you need help."

"That is not the point."

"Didn't you two have a perfect work routine?"

"Yes, but—"

"Do as much as you can. When you can't, let her do it. She's one of the brightest young women I know and she'll excel in it." Right after this, the Chief stood up and sent Burke away.

Richard had heard enough from the once confident and cocky surgeon who desired to be the next Chief. He was not ready to have another liability lawsuit against his surgeon or intern, but Richard also couldn't tell Burke right away that it's a way to help prove to the board that Dr. Preston Burke was still indispensable.

Being the middle-man who knew both sides of the story, Richard sometimes hated being allowed to only give one side to his favorite attending.

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"Dr. Burke, I understand that Dr. Yang is the specially assigned intern, but my interns here also need some experience in cardiothoracic surgeries. Perhaps you could let someone else assist this time?" Bailey put one arm on her hip and demanded.

"There are other cardio surgeries for the rest of the week. Grey could assist in any one of those."

"Dr. Burke, you understand that Dr. Grey and Dr. Stevens have been with this patient since he was admitted earlier today. Why do you have to pull them out of the case? Am I sensing some favoritism here?"

Of all the things she could say, this was what Burke hated the most. The accusation was at a profound level—that he was failing as a medical professional to separate his personal and work lives. He wanted his resident to understand the decision was not upon him. It pained him to realize he was about to lose his respect from the only resident who dared to challenge him when he was acting below his standards.

But why expose his vulnerabilities to her when he could fend it off with his hallmark arrogance?

"If you do, Dr. Bailey, excuse me for suggesting that you're over-sensitive today," Burke hoped his words came out smug rather than weak. "Cristina has not scrubbed in on any of my surgeries in two weeks. How would that be a sign of favoritism?"

"You ought to know better than I do, Dr. Burke," Bailey kept staring at her boss with fierce flames in her eyes.

Just then, Richard passed by the corridor and immediately felt the tension. "Is there something wrong here, Dr. Bailey?"

"Chief, Dr. Bailey thought Grey and Stevens should scrub in for the Humpty Dumpty procedure with me."

The tone in Burke's voice annoyed Miranda Bailey. She could judge from the two men's exchange of eye contact that she was the minority. She had always respected Dr. Burke, but at this point she felt manipulated.

"Really? I thought we've decided that Stevens should NEVER have anything to do with the human circulatory system again?"

"Sir—" It bugged her when the Chief made her appear as the fool with unreasonable demand.

"Dr. Burke, I thought I already instructed you to put Dr. Yang on this case."

There was no guilt, no hesitation, almost no feeling attached to the statement coming out of Richard Webber's mouth.

"Actually, I've already paged her to set up the OR and grab the lab results from Grey," Richard put his hand on Burke's shoulder. "Bye Dr. Burke, bye Dr. Bailey."

Miranda Bailey did not wait until the Chief was completely out of sight before she folded her arms and mocked at Burke, "Are you sure your girlfriend isn't sleeping with the Chief?"


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Thanks for reviewing. More is coming, unless the actual 3.06 kills my story or my hope.

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Burke knew he should go and prepare for surgery. There was no time to worry about what others would think of him or Cristina or the two of them. Now was the time to stay steady and focused. As much as possible, Burke hoped that he could perform the surgery alone.

"Hey," Cristina broke the silence in the on-call room as she swept through the door like the autumn breeze.

"Cristina," Without meeting her eyes, Burke called out her name weakly.

"I've got the labs. This guy's carotid pulse is very weak and his EKG looks bad," Cristina was speaking at the rate of the bullet. "Webber authorized me to get the OR ready. I've talked to the patient's wife and she's agreed to sign the papers…"

The words went on and on but Burke was not listening anymore. The more she tried to ignore the negative vibe he was emitting by pretending to be busy, the less support he was feeling from her. Burke knew this was the way how Cristina dealt with things. It was her way of conveying to him that she was there for him.

"Cristina, you seem very excited."

"Burke," Cristina stopped and looked at him in silence, trying to find the safest words to utter. "I miss scrubbing in with you."

_Cristina was thrilled not because of the surgery, but because she was working with him again?_ Burke did not want to read too much into it, but it certainly soothed him a little.

"Right. It's been 2 weeks."

"We're here to save a life. That's the most important part," Cristina wasn't sure if that would make him feel better, but they both needed that. "Don't think about anything else for now."

_If she was ready to step up to the plate, how could he not take up his share and move along?_ Burke gently forked through Cristina's curls as she stood on her toes to press her lips on his forehead.  
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Up in the gallery, the interns and other surgeons were observing the humpty dumpty procedure.

"Dr. Burke is giving her the chance to do it!" George was brooding. "This is so unfair. Cristina stole the patient from us!"

"George, she wasn't stealing. She was assigned," Meredith wondered since when had the good-natured male intern turned into another bitter sister.

"Why can you be so calm Meredith?" Izzie whined. "Webber is going all out to stop us from entering that OR."

"Only because the Chief doesn't want you to kill another heart, Dr. Stevens," Dr. Savoy smirked. "Maybe if you give a part of you to the Chief, he'll be nicer to you."

"Dude, not everyone here is obsessed with others' hormone levels and body parts," Alex spitted that out of pure distain towards the surgeon who previously insulted Bailey, without consciously intending to defend anyone.

"People, keep quiet. This is an OR gallery, not a movie theatre," as much as she disliked the Chief's decision, Bailey was not ready to completely give up the belief that the people working ceaselessly below them were still worthy of her respect.

Had the Chief not been so obstinate about having Cristina in Burke's OR, Bailey would have given up hope on the attending she had grown to admire. The minute she saw the despondent eyes of Preston Burke when the Chief butted in, she knew something was wrong in the bigger scheme of things.

But was Cristina stepping beyond the line to make Webber favor her? Although Bailey herself was guilty of that thought when she was talking to Burke, she couldn't bring herself to really believe in it. Cristina might be ambitious, but she didn't seem like someone who would prostitute herself to get ahead.

Regardless, if anyone were to question Dr. Burke's or Cristina's integrity, it would have to be her, the uncompromising Miranda Bailey. Everyone else should stay off the territory of interrogation.

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"Tell me about it," Bailey grabbed Cristina by her elbow after the surgery.

"As you can tell from the gallery, Mr. Sade's surgery was a success. We're expecting a full recovery and—"

Crossing her arms, Bailey shook her head. "I didn't ask you to give me a case summary, Yang. You know why I am here."

"No, in fact I don't," Cristina put on her non-committal smile.

"C'mon, Yang, why did you suddenly apply to specialize in cardiothoracic surgery? You should have talked to me about it first."

"Oh, that?" Cristina continued to feign ignorance. "Alex was having fun in the vagina squad, Meredith with the brains, and George the bones. So I thought it's about time for me to move on."

The logic behind it seemed to sink in so well that it actually escalated Bailey's suspicion.

"Yang, do you think I'm convinced?" Bailey stopped Cristina from leaving the room. "The other interns were only assigned to those departments occasionally, but you, why would the Chief let you stay in the most competitive department? You're only an intern, not a CT fellow!"

"Well—"

"Ok, you're smart, the Chief likes you. You got what you want. But why would he be adamant about who's to scrub in with Dr. Burke today? I thought he would want less gossip in the hospital. So why did he put a dating couple in the same OR?"

"It isn't what you think, Dr. Bailey." Cristina pushed her curls to the back of her ear.

"You didn't sleep with anyone, or accidentally got a hold of some dirty little secret about the Chief, did you?"

The question made Cristina laugh. She couldn't believe Bailey thought she would get ahead through blackmailing the Chief.

"You mean apart from the fact that they all live in a hotel in downtown Seattle now?" Cristina smirked before her face turned solemn again.

"You're not answering my question."

"Dr. Bailey, it's not about the Chief," Cristina sounded very determined as she explained her situation. "Even if there're 10 more syph outbreaks here, I still won't need to be in that line. Does that answer your question?"

The manifestation of commitment inherent in that reply might not have been apparent to Cristina herself, but to Bailey, it meant something bigger.

"Yang, you're not stupid, nor am I. Whatever this is about, it'll come to the surface sooner or later. I don't want to see another brilliant intern ruined by their personal attachments."

"Yes, Dr. Bailey." 

Right after she left the room, Bailey turned back and looked at Cristina pensively.

"He's not a baby, Cristina. Even if he is, you can't be watching over him all the time. People can't help you if you don't let them know." Bailey closed her eyes. "Trust me. I have way more authority in giving advice in this regard. The Chief has never been a parent himself, what does he know?"

_Bailey knew. _Cristina felt a lump in her throat as Bailey left her alone in the supply room.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I didn't bring it to a super happy ending, but it's what I see even in my alternative universe. At least for now. Thanks for those who read and the very few of you who actually left comments. I don't write for reviews, but I love them anyway.

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The darkness was where Cristina felt she belonged at this very moment, but it certainly wasn't where she desired her relationship to be heading. Standing completely still in the room, Cristina reckoned it's been a while since she last owned this much personal space.

She used to be a very private person. Ambitious and driven, flying solo all the time. Hanging out with her fellow squashy interns dragged her down a little, but her ultimate downfall came when Burke entered her life.

She actually liked being tied to the ground. That felt pretty safe. But since Burke was injured, she had been feeling like she was being shoved underground. When she wasn't playing the supportive and understanding girlfriend, she was being the intense and blood-thirty intern, working to avoid the pain, proving to the world they were doing okay.

What was this going to lead to? What did it mean for her to be doing all these? Bailey was right, she couldn't be covering it up for Burke every time. The Chief was wrong, it did them no good to be hide.

Burke never liked the idea of hiding, and she kept wondering if she was guilty of promoting that possibility to the Chief. This was so unlike her. Cristina was not supposed to be a self-conscious wreck. It's Burke fault. She's never experienced as much guilt in her life as she's had since she began dating Burke.

Cristina's tired.

It's not that she didn't want to be part of his life anymore, but why couldn't she make him happy without feeling upset or drained herself? It wasn't completely a lie when she said she missed scrubbing in with Burke, but whether the surgery they performed together was successful or mediocre, rare or common, honestly didn't matter anymore, so long as everyone left the OR with a beating heart. 

_Meredith was a bad influence._ Cristina felt that her thoughts were beginning to get dark and twisted like her friend's. Shaking her head, Cristina laughed at herself in silence as she tried to drive away all her cynical thoughts before walking back into reality and acting like "herself" in front of everyone else again.

She paused in front of the supply cabinet. She wasn't ready.

Everybody was expecting something from her. They saw her as the aggressive and biting woman who was taking advantage of Burke's injury. It didn't seem like she had a choice to act otherwise. When the burden was all shifted to her shoulders, people thought she was bullying the nurses and residents and acting like she's the Chief. Why didn't people see beneath the surface that she was neither thrilled nor happy?

Perhaps she was expecting too much from herself? Did she really have to do everything for Burke? Was it for their best interest? Was she, or he, ready to accept that buying themselves more time might not change the fact that Burke might never be a "surgeon" surgeon again?

She already told him he meant more than just a surgeon to him. Why didn't he seem to understand? Why didn't others seem to trust her? Why didn't she feel 100 sure about her own words?

Aimlessly opening the supply cabinet door, the sight of the scrub caps saddened her.

"Cristina, you're here," The voice was so soft it was nearly inaudible, but Cristina turned and acknowledged it with a faint smile.  
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"Hey, what's up?"

"I thought you've already left," Meredith stuck her head in. "It's getting late."

"I got some errands to run."

"You seem really busy lately." 

Cristina shrugged. She knew Meredith wasn't like the rest of them. She wasn't trying to mock at her. Yet, the word _busy_ sounded ridiculous to Cristina at this moment. "Yea."

"You must have been thrilled being in that OR today."

"I guess."

"You don't seem very excited," Meredith was concerned. "Is everything Ok?"

"I'm just tired," Cristina gently rubbed her temple. "Scut work wears people out."

"I thought they wouldn't put you through that in cardio?"

"Someone has to do the dirty job, Mer. Neurology, Cardiology, Plastic, Gynecology, they're all the same."

Meredith nodded knowingly. "Derek usually asks someone else to do the lab work. He only asks me to scrub in & do the fun stuff. Do you think I should let him if he pursues me again?"

"Yea, why not?"

Meredith knew her friend was tired, but it was odd to see Cristina being so passive and quiet.

"Want me to give you a ride, Cristina?" Meredith didn't know what else to say to her friend. First it was Izzie, now Cristina. Everyone was acting weird.

"Thanks, but I've to get more work done."

"Alright," Meredith smiled slyly. "When you aren't that busy anymore, we should go running again. 

"Right."

Once Meredith stepped out of the room feeling a little uneasy, Cristina fell back into her private world. In her head, she tried to count to 10 before stepping out of the cave. She was a strong person and she knew she could gather her strength quickly.

But she couldn't.

Cristina was trying so hard to let happier thoughts rush into her head that she didn't notice someone was watching her.

"Ready to go home?"

Cristina did not utter a single word, but fixated her gaze on Burke's face.

"What are you doing with the scrub caps?" Burke walked closer to her and laced his hands on her shoulders from behind.

"Nothing," Cristina shut the cabinet.

Gently turning her around to face him, Burke asked, "Do you still keep that one in your locker?"

"Yea," The memory brought a subtle smile onto Cristina's face. She remembered how she fought to make sure nobody would take it away from her. Looking at it every morning before work used to be as important as having her morning coffee.

"You don't need it anymore," Burke looked at the tip of his shoes and remained very composed. "I am no longer the surgeon you aspire to become."

Cristina's eyes followed that of Burke's. She thought they would be staring at the ground forever, until she finally broke the silence.

"You'll always be the best," Cristina rested her hands in his. "Are you happy, Burke?"

The question took him by surprise. _Why was she asking him that?_

Gently stroking her head, Burke saw the toll on his woman's face. He wasn't sure what response could take the sadness away. "Are you, Cristina?"

"I want us to be happy." 

"I know." It was hard for him to say if he was happy, but he knew for sure that without her, he wouldn't be able to operate—either as a surgeon and a man. From the first day they met, they were destined not only to be a tag team, but a single entity. 

Cristina hugged him tightly and closed her eyes as her lips were matched with her lover's.

"Time to go home."


End file.
